How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
