I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
