I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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