You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
