I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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