tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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