we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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