he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
