dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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