Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize