Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
