Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How does it feel to date your dad?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
