i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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