he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
