you traded sex for a burrito?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
