When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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