I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
