He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
