i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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