Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
