i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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