Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
