your parents love me but you hate me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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