I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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