Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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