just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
