And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
