There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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