the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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