I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
