She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
