Jerry, you need to find god
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
