I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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