i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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