i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
