He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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