Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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