So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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