I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
