dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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