Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
