were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
