bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
we're so committed to being not committed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
