You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
