Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
