you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
