She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
