I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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