I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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