how can u be prego again
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
