what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
