I CAN MOONWALK!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
