Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
