onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
