Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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