i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
