You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
