SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
